Why do I bother?

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One would think after all these years that one would stop being curious.
I dropped out of the news and television world 14 years ago. We lived in DC during the Clinton/ Monica fiasco. I couldn’t take any more so I stopped watching tv, reading the paper or watching the news.
But every now and then something , one thing will catch my eye. I’ll keep seeing it until I have to know what it is.
As usual I instantly regret it.
I am a freak. My family knows, my husband knows, my friends know.
That is why I am up at 1am after listening to a hypnosis session that was supposed to make me sleep. It woke me up.
I actually went to bed tired and this thing ruined it.
I am generally a happy person.
If I could accept that I am a freak and fly my freak flag with pride, we would all be better off.

Allergy Testing

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So I went to my allergist last Friday. He informed me I am allergic to cats and dogs. I have 4 cat=s and a dog next door that I walk daily.

He gave me a new allergy nose spray and a nasal wash. I was very happy with this for a day.

Then the headache came. It wouldn’t leave.

By Sunday I was in bed in the dark trying not to die.

Tuesday the headache was horrible. I took a nap. When I awoke I couldn’t see straight. I put on my glasses, still wrong.

I go in the bathroom and look in the mirror. My pupils are uneven.

So I call my husband and we go to the ER. I spent 5 hours there being tested.

They gave me 2 shots of morphine. An IV of Depakote to get rid of the headache and redialate my pupils.

I have been miserable since.

I am tired of being weird. I am abnormal and I dislike it most greatly.

I would love to wake up one day and feel good. To feel like a normal person.

 

I have always wanted to be that lean,healthy woman who hikes and bikes and does yoga. Drinks mineral water and glows.

I never will be. That should be ok. But it isn’t.

It makes me very unhappy. It makes me want to be someone else.

It makes it hard to be happy. It makes me want to crawl under the blankets and hide. Which I do , often.

I should be grateful for the fact that I can get out of bed. That I can walk a dog. That I can see.

There are just moments that make me want to give up and run.

I have more allergy testing on the 5th of august.

Also going to a rheumatologist. Time to get something for the RA and fibromyalgia.

I should be happy. But I am not.

Maybe its my attitude.

Allergies

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Sooooo. I have allergy testing Monday.

I’ve not been able to take anything for my allergies or for sleep since Sunday.

Who’s a grumpy girl then???

Yup. Me.

So I’m not sleeping. I’m itchy. I’m not able to eat because I don’t feel like it.

It’s 98 in the shade here.

To top it off yesterday I packed up our 4 cats to go get rabies shots. My little Fluffy got so upset she peed herself.
So I clean her up whilst waiting for the vet to come back from lunch.

We go in. The lady looks at us like we are nuts. ” Do you have an appointment?”

Um yea.

She looks it up. They had scheduled out appointment at a different office that is 60 miles from me. They are 7. WTF???

Then you tell me in this tiny town of 12 streets and no stop signs that I have to reschedule?!?!?!

Yes. Yes I will. With a different vet!!!

The nerve!!!

Anyway. I will cAll the vet that is the other way 12 miles and set an appointment.

Maybe next week. When I’m not so much of a raging bitch. Lol

For now I nap.
There is a block party tonight. I may hide in my room.

Happy 4th.

My mom is bat shit crazy, and other crap.

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I am sitting here at 2 am because I am in pain. I very stupidly ate soy sauce yesterday. DUH!!!

Didn’t realize till I was half way home why I felt like crap. So I am in agony. As any celiac knows, even a tiny bit stays with you for days.

I have also gone back to being dairy free. Any idea how hard it is to eat??? It is amazing. I lost 5 pounds of swelling in 3 days. So I guess its worth it.

As for my mom. Well, where to start. She is a misogynist. Not joking at all! My sister and I could be the best people in the world, best bodies, best lives, best everything and she would still hate us.

Her 2 sons are total douchecanoes, but she adores them. They haven’t spoken to my parents in years. Yet she would welcome them with open arms.

Me, she tells me I am fat and lazy. I don’t clean my house. I should get rid of my cats because they cost too much. Oh and my husband doesn’t like me because he actually goes places without me.  Blah blah blah

8 months ago I was living my life down in Florida. I hated it there. I get the celiac diagnosis. I change everything.

Then 2 months ago my landlady of 5 years decides she isn’t renewing my lease. Really? WTF???

So I get on the phone, call my Dad. He packs up and comes down to get me. My mother hates this because she is away from the Game Show Network for way to freakin long.

We move here to a tiny town. Less than 400 people. Across the street from my parents. That’s great. I adore my Dad. He is the best. My mom, meh not so much.

She doesn’t like people going outside. Or not watching tv every second of the day. She is obsessed with the Weather Channel!

It is sad to admit, I have nothing in common with her. At all. She might as well have given me up at birth. Actually I think she did. Daddy was my buddy. I did everything with him.

Ah well, win some, lose some.

I have wonderful friends and nieces and nephews. A fab husband.

I am back in Colorado. I love it here. I grew up here.

I have loads of doctors appointments in the next couple of months. Getting new doctors sucks. I have had the same docs for years. Now I get to start all over again.

Hopefully she will believe in the things I have wrong with me. Otherwise, onward to bigger cities.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. She just isn’t the mom I had long ago. Or maybe its me. Maybe I am not the daughter she had long ago.

Either way, I am here for the duration.

 

Fat or thin, we are all humans.

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It amazes me. In the US on average people spend $65 billion a year on weight loss and dieting. In all this time and research, really all one needs to do to lose weight is eat less move more. There are exceptions to this rule. There are genetics one can fight for a lifetime. I do not care what anyone says, genetics play a huge role in how we look. I have 3 chronic diseases that keep me from being active every day. I do what I can, when I can. Yes I am overweight.  I am not unhealthy. I have good blood pressure, good cholesterol and heart rate. I can walk and hike for miles. I don’t fall over and die. … Those are the good days. The bad days I don’t get up till 2-3 in the afternoon because I hurt so much I can’t. This does not make me a target for thin people to say I am lazy and disgusting.
People who know nothing of nutrition and genetics. People who only see thin is right, fat is wrong. Everyone is different. We can not all be held to a standard made by the government.
BTW, have you seen most of them? Overweight ,drinking, smoking, eating whatever they want. Yet these people are telling us we are obese. We are a drain on resources. We make medical insurance overpriced.
Well, I for one am sorry to be such a burden on the society. The society that encourages people to never leave the house by giving them everything they want on a computer, phone and wii games.
I have an anxiety disorder, still I go outside. I garden. I walk. I hike with my husband. I walk to the post office. I clean. I organize my home. I eat good healthy food. I have to. I have celiac disease. I have fibromyalgia. I have RA.
I am a size 14. I am healthy, most days. I am happy to be a daughter, sister, aunt, friend, wife. I am a person. I have feelings. I have a heart. I love and am loved.
What part of this makes me a target for your disgust??? Just askin.

The Big City

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So we live in a tiny tiny town. Thursday we went into Fort Collins Co to have a couple days shopping and entertainment.

My problem is this. Restaurants that have gluten free menus who don’t even try NOT to cross contaminate.

If you’re going to say you have gluten free food then at least try!!!

I did manage to eat. But believe me it wasn’t fun or easy.

I’m actually quite happy here in my tiny town cooking for myself.

The hotel was beautiful. Noisy and way too much light. But beautiful.

I went thrift store shopping. It was super fun!!! I miss my thrift stores.

No we are home and cozy and warm.
I don’t want to go anywhere any time soon.